Up above...

Experimenting;

We are different...

Sharing;

Salami Salam

*grin*


Discover the site through her.

Gubra

Once again, another film of Yasmin Ahmad will make it here first before being released in Malaysia yet again. The first was 'Sepet' which was shown here 6 months earlier (correct me here if i'm wrong).

Gubra (Anxiety) will premiere here at GV Grand, Great World City on 27th February.


p/s: Yasmin also claimed she's planning to shoot her fourth movie, Mokhsen right here in Little India. Saying this is as 'thank you' to Singapore. To say 'Here's a piece of you through my eyes.' Yasmin also said about Singapore playing a large part in her international success as a director.

p/p/s: This article was featured in the local 'The Straits Times' paper today. But i'm unable to publish the link here as it needed paid subscription to have access to the article. Sob, sob. Heh.

More

Say My Name

It's half past 5 in the morning. While waiting for Subuh,let's talk about pseudonym. I have lots of them. And they went as far back as 1997:

1 Karisma (not a spun-off Karisma Kapoor, ok! It's the name of one of my favorite teacher back then)

2 Nur Nadirah (i must have picked it up from those Malay novels i had been reading)

3 Nur (how i always wanted my name to be spelt back then)

4 Khairani (now where did that came from..?)

5 Anie

6 Aniez

7 Markiez; combination of 'Aniez' and 'Mark'; Mark Feehily from Westlife. Yes, the recently-confessed-gay. I didn't know he's a gay back then!. This nickname stucked with me throughout the years. Chat-frens called me 'Kiez' for short. Even during phonecalls!

8 Kiezamy; Kiez' and 'Amelia'. 'Amelia' orginated from a online love-story that i wrote years ago with the main characters 'Amelia' and 'Kamal Hisham'. This 'Amelia' and 'Kamal Hisham' can make up for another entry but suffice to say i found my real-life 'Kamal Hisham' through the online story. Online readers whom later became chat-frens begun calling me 'Amy'; short for 'Amelia'.

I have realised it for quite sometimes. But it became more prominent when he raised it just now. Take a look at "KIEZ". Did something strike you, especially at the last 2 alphabets? And this nick was way before we get together. Nice coincidence, eh? *smile*

Err..you decide now

Sharing;

KAHWIN TAK JADI: MAK PENGANTIN TUNTUT GANTI RUGI $130,000

KAD undangan telah dicetak, mak andam dan tukang masak telah ditempah. Malah, tarikh nikah pun telah ditetapkan.

Tetapi tiga minggu sebelum majlis walimatul urus dilangsungkan, bakal pengantin lelaki batalkan perkahwinannya.

Ekoran daripada itu, mak pengantin membatalkan majlis perkahwinan ketiga-tiga anak perempuannya serentak yang sepatutnya dilangsungkan pada 18 Disember 2004.

Ibu pengantin, Cik Rahiman Begam Maideen, yang mendakwa mengalami kerugian besar dan menanggung malu, tidak berdiam diri.

Beliau menuntut ganti rugi lebih $130,000 daripada Encik Nasharudin Munir Ahmad kerana membatalkan niat menjadi raja sehari dengan anak bongsunya, Cik Norazlyn Ismail.

Dalam afidavit kes yang didengar di Mahkamah Rendah Rabu lalu, Cik Rahiman, yang diwakili peguam, Encik Ravendra Krishnasamy, berkata Encik Nasharudin, 27 tahun, telah melamar anaknya, Norazlyn, 21 tahun, pada November 2004 dan menyarankan agar majlis perkahwinan dipercepat.

Beliau kemudian menempah kad undangan dan pakej perkahwinan daripada Lagun Sari Indonesia Seafood Restaurant bagi majlis yang juga melibatkan dua lagi anak perempuannya di Kelab Masyarakat Ulu Pandan.

Menyusuli itu, Encik Nasharudin, seorang askar berpangkat sarjan kedua, dan Cik Norazlyn, mendaftar pernikahan mereka di Pejabat Pendaftaran Pernikahan Orang Islam (ROMM) pada 20 November tahun itu.

Tetapi, pada 28 November, Encik Nasharudin menyatakan hasrat membatalkan perkahwinan menerusi kiriman khidmat pesanan ringkas (SMS) kepada Cik Norazlyn.

Dalam afidavitnya, Cik Rahiman berkata: 'Disebabkan defendan memungkiri janji untuk bernikah, saya tidak punya pilihan tetapi membatalkan juga perkahwinan anak kedua dan ketiga saya kerana pakej perkahwinan yang telah ditempah adalah untuk tiga perkahwinan dan saya tidak dapat meneruskannya tanpa pasangan ketiga!'

Encik Nasharudin, yang diwakili peguam, Encik Mustafa Abu Bakar, dalam afidavitnya pula mendakwa beliau telah memaklumkan kepada Cik Norazlyn yang beliau memerlukan masa setahun untuk mengumpul wang, termasuk hantaran $10,000 kerana gajinya cuma $1,900 sebulan.

'Saya tak mampu buat majlis perkahwinan besar-besaran seperti yang diinginkan ibu plaintif,' tambah Encik Nasharudin.

Beliau hanya mahu majlis perkahwinan yang ringkas kerana telah terlanjur.

Perbicaraan disambung pada tarikh yang akan ditetapkan mahkamah kelak.

...so who's at fault now?

Being selfish...

I'm there before everything falls apart. But now, why do i have to give way for everything to fall back in their places yet again? Why can't for once i come first?

This is it. This is where i'm losing out. Once again.

It didn't feel good anymore.

*sigh*

Afterall...

it's a Friday! And a long weekend to look forward to.

I am Vanilla Flavoured. I am one of the most popular flavours in the world. Subtle and smooth, I go reasonably with anyone, and rarely do anything to offend. I can be expected to be blending in in society. What Flavour Are You?

While You Were Out

To: E*uan

Date: 25/01/2006 Time: 9am

From: Noor

of _______________

Telephone Number 9*******

Telephoned

Will telephone (again)

Wish you'll get well soon

Missing you

Wants to meet you

Missing you badly

Message: Can we meet this CNY hols?



xxxx
Initials

Hello!

Calling is no fun. When nobody is answering...

Haunting...

Angel Eyes (2001) - simple movie, simple plot. Sharon Pogue (Jennifer Lopez) and Catch (Jim Caviezel)met during the worst situation; when Sharon was in danger of losing her life. They fell in love. But are first forced to deal with secrets from their past.

Like i said, the plot is simple. But there's something about the character Catch. He has this haunting look. Maybe it's the eyes. Heh.


Quotes from Angel Eyes:

[Catch is knocking on Sharon's door]
Sharon Pogue: I was just getting to sleep finally.
Catch: Well We made a date.
Sharon Pogue: It wasn't a date
Catch: Ok fine, an appointment, I keep my appointments


Sharon Pogue: You never said a word about yourself the other night, who are you?
Catch: What's the difference!
Sharon Pogue: What's the difference, you're standing in my bedroom, looking through my panty drawer, that's the difference, who are you?
Catch: Somebody who keeps his appointments.

Buta IT

'Angmoh' IT Service Officer: (in his difficult-to-understand slang); N**r A*i, please help to click the wireless icon at the bottom of your screen.

Me: (searching for it) It is this the one? (Went to explain what i see when i clicked what i thought was the wireless icon.

'Angmoh' IT Service Officer: No. N**r A*i, you need to find the wireless icon and right click. Tell me what you see.

Me: errr..where is it? Under where?? (while trying desperately to locate the icon)

'Angmoh' IT Service Officer: Underwear?? (he was then laughing)

Me: owh, shit! (slapped my forehead hard). Underwear, shucks! (by this time, i was laughing at myself) What was i saying, underwear??!

After that, in between trying to help me set up the encryption for my wireless connection we had a few laughs in between our conversation.

First time ever, i made an angmoh laugh out loud. Heh.

You'd better...

Vote Dilla for Malaysia's Most Beautiful!


You don't want Jessy to represent the beauty of Malaysia's women..err, do you?

Enuff said, heh.

Apple...

Mungkinkah Pasti...

Mungkingkah aku akan terus di sini
Bertapak abadi
Berpegang pada bayangan kasih
Yang masih belum jua nyata

Jejak-jejak waktu telah lama
meninggalkanku
Yang terpana dengan kesannya

Ingin aku melerai rindu,
menagih kasih,
mengutip bahagia bersamamu

Namun kepiluan telah bertapak
dalam diriku
Bersemadi kukuh mencengkam tangkai hatiku

Mungkinkah kasih ini untukmu
Atau hanya bayangan malam
Yang akan sirna di keheningan pagi
Ataukah ia hanya di bibir air
Yang akan hilang di hempas ombak

Namun, mengapa bisikan suaramu
terus menggamitku
Untuk terus merungkai rindu
di persada cinta

Mungkinkah cinta yang ku harapkan
hanya remukan bulan di bayang air
Atau bagai sutera yang merapuh
di carik jejarimu
Adakah kasih ini sungguh untukmu
Atau mungkinkah akan kabut
di puput awan di langit

Andai tiada cinta yang terungkap
Andai tiada rindu yang terungkai
Mengapa resah ini harus menghambat
jiwa dan kalbuku

Kini, ketahuan sudah si purnama
kasih ku untukmu
Tiada lagi keraguan
Hanya ada kejernihan
Tiada lagi kesangsian
Hanya ada kepastian

Namun kepiluan masih bertapak lagi
di hati ini
Adakah cintamu hakiki untukku
Atau hanya aku yang menggapai
awan menjadi mutiara
Kerana andainya, kau sirna dari pandangan
Kegelapan ka menirai diriku

Biarpun, kepiluan masih kukuh
bertapak di hati jua
Akan aku terus di sini
Mengungkap cinta, merungkai rindu

Biarkan waktu jauh meninggalkan ku
Penantianku kan terus di sini
Menantikan suata kepastian
Yang belum pasti...

-'97, Anie

Lost...

Like she said, we need believable hope. And it's out there somewhere.

But what if you woke up one fine, day and feel like there's no hope for today. There's no use in even getting up from the bed. Life look bleak from here. It's just a dark patch; clouding your thoughts and mind.

That's how i feel. Right now. Why do i even hope in the first place? When i'm being let-down now? I don't know what to look forward for in tomorrow. What do i get up for? If there's no dream in living tomorrow? I even wonder if there's a tomorrow. I have lost sight of my hope. I had once before. Held in tight in my hands. Never once would i want to let it go. But now...i lost my hope. It's too far for me to grasp it anymore.

I lost my hope. So now, what do i live for...

Tainted lens...

I submit this here:



But then, i later do this:



Then, i do this:



And this:




So, what do you think? Heh.

This...

is heartbreaking.

My heart hurts badly.

How long can i survive this way...

Don't know why...

This song makes me feel all warm and fuzzy, heh.

For all I've been blessed with in this life
There was an emptiness in me
I was imprisoned by the power of gold
With one honest touch you set me free

Let the world stop turning
Let the sun stop burning
Let them tell me love's not worth going through
If it all falls apart
I will know deep in my heart
The only dream that mattered had come true
In this life, I was loved by you

For every mountain I have climbed
And ever raging river crossed
You were the treasure that I longed to find
Without you love I would be lost

In this life, I was loved by you

- In This Life, Westlife (cover version of Ronan Keating's)

You talk, i won't...

Words that matter...

somehow, somewhere..in my life

Tiada erti aku merindu
jika kau tak ingin bertemu
apa gunanya bercinta
di dalam kepura-puraan

Yang lafaz cinta hanya bibir
namun diri tak seringnya hadir
di saat engkau di perlukan
aku hampa

usah di kelirukan cinta
yang terkusut jiwa merana
jangan dengan separuh
diri ini kau cintai

- Menadah Gerimis, Ziana Zain

When you told me you loved me
Did you know it would take me the rest of my life
to get over the feeling of knowing
A dream didn't turn out right
When you let me believe that you weren't complete
Without me by your side
how could I know
That you would go
That you would run
Baby, I thought you were the one

- When You Told Me You Loved Me, Jessica Simpson

Di sini ku berjanji
Setia keakhir nanti
Berhias ceria atau bias duka
Engkau tetap ku cinta


Tak percaya... kau
Berubah sekelip mata
Benarku bagimu salah
Mungkin alasan semata
Takkan cinta
Hadirnya sekilas cuma
Yakin ku di sudut hati
Aku masih kau cintai

- Di Sini Ku Berjanji, Siti Nurhaliza

I'm falling even more in love with you
Letting go of all i've held onto
I'm standing here until you make me move
I'm hanging by a moment here with you

- Hanging By A Moment, Lifehouse

Love Actually...

It's not a destination,
it's a journey,
through long, winding paths,
and maybe rocky roads,
through tunnels and over bridges...

I'm walking through a dark tunnel now;
and there's no light that i could see yet
at the end of the tunnel...

Kiezamyometer!

Ten Top Trivia Tips about Kiezamy!

1. The Aztec Indians of Mexico believed kiezamy would protect them from physical harm, and so warriors used her to decorate their battle shields.
2. Lightning strikes kiezamy over seven times every hour.
3. Kiezamy is the largest of Saturn's moons.
4. Kiezamy cannot be detected by infrared cameras.
5. Plato believed that the souls of melancholy people would be reincarnated into kiezamy.
6. It takes 17 muscles to smile, and 43 to frown at kiezamy.
7. Kiezamy can last longer without water than a camel can.
8. A kiezamyometer is used to measure kiezamy.
9. Some birds use kiezamy to orientate themselves during migration!
10. All of the roles in Shakespeare's plays - including the female roles - were originally played by kiezamy!

I am interested in - do tell me aboutherhimitthem

Perfect...

I don't want to be perfect one.
I want to cry whenever i feel sad,
i want to be angry when i'm,
i want to throw tantrums when i want attention,
i want to be alone whenever i'm hurt..

i don't want to laugh when i'm crying,
i don't want to smile even when i'm angry,
i don't want to be with you when i feel hurt...

all i want is..
to be me..


imperfect...

After I came back..

This is what i do, heh.

1 What is your current ringtone?

Kerna Sayang; Him
Dunia Batinku; Family
Have A Nice Day; Friends
Soulful; Office
Harry Potter III; default


2. What is your current wallpaper?

This:



3. Do you own a picture phone?
Certainly do.

4. If so, what was the last picture you took?
My new toy; Panasonic DMC-FX9

5. Go to your text message inbox and type the 10th message. from who?
Him

6.How many contacts do you have on your phone?
100+-

7. Go to your missed calls. Who was the last call from?
Mom

8. Who was the last person you spoke to on your cell phone?
Him

9. Who was the last person to text you?
Him too.

10. At this very moment, how many bars do you have for your battery?
2 bars

11. Who's on your speed dial number 5?
My eldest brother

12. Do you have voicemail?
Yup

13. What does your voicemail message say to callers?
Default voicemail message

14.How many contacts that start with the letter D
do you have?
3

15. Who do you call the most(s)?
Him and Mom

16. How many text messages do you get a month?
300-400?

17. Can you send pictures?
Yup

18. What are the last 4 digits to your number?
7414

19. Go to your message inbox, what does the 8th message say? from?
err..the message is kind of long but it ended with "miss u.." - Him

20. What about the 15th?
"I wish you a very wonderful & prosperous in year 2006" - ex-colleague

21. Who's the last person that you called?
Him

22. Last person that texted you?
Him again, heh.

23. Last person you added to your contacts?
Cousin, Nadia

24. How many minutes are on your plan?
100 (never enough) minutes

25. Do you like your phone?
Guess so. Till i find a better flip phone, yeah.


Link

Tomorrow...

I'll be going away.

Till Monday.


See ya!

Have you ever...

Feel this deep, wrenching guilt that saddled heavily on your shoulder? That the things you have done were never enough..? That, a particular someone deserve more that what he/she is getting from you? That, your words have sometimes hurt them more that you realised? That, you have broken their trust for you into a million pieces? And it hurts you more when you see those eyes, their faces?

The pain and guilt just hit you right there; like a punch in the stomach. And nothing can make it go away. It sure does kill you softly.

I'm feeling that way. Right now, heh. And it sure hurts.


Anyway, here's another one;

Bicara Sepi

Kemasyghulan₁ menyapa hati
atma₂ di landa sepi (kesepian)
ingatan berbebaran tanpa watas
renungan berpanjangan tanpa noktah

Gadis itu gelisah
resah gelisah tak tau puncanya
airmata mengalir
dadanya sebak
resah gelisah tak tau puncanya

Mungkin ada hati yang luka
atau ada makhfi yang tersirat
atau mungkin ada rasa yang tak terungkap

Gadis itu berbicara sepi
resah gelisah tak tau puncanya
biar lena sudah lama gersang
biar mentari sudah lama beradu
resah gelisah tak tau puncanya

Mungkin ada suatu keraguan
atau ada khilaf yang terpendam
atau mungkin impian indah telah sirna

Gadis itu masih di situ
resah gelisah tak tau puncanya

- 19 Okt 1997, Anie

_______________________________________________

₁masyhgul - dukacita, sedih, susah hati
₂atma - jiwa, nyawa

I can't sleep...

It's past midnight. 'Nightline' is on. But still i can't sleep. So i went thru the drawers and found this;

Di keterasingan ini,
dia terlontar keseorangan
melukis mimpi, menjaring impian
yang mungkinkah menjadi
satu realiti

Di keterasingan ini,
dia terhumban seorang diri
merawati hati yang rawan,
bila impian tinggal harapan

'Mungkinkah ku khilaf₁,
menagih kasih tanpa berwatas₂;
merungkai rindu tanpa kepastian..'

Kini, ujana₃ sepi menjalar dari hujung dahan
meresapi segenap ruang,
di keterasingan ini

Namun, dia ingin terus bertapak disini,
melukis kecewa, menjaring kelukaan

'Biarlah kini semua menjadi makhfi₄,
yang mungkin punya natijah₅ sendiri..'

- 12 Okt,1997

I found lots of more my writings way back then. When time was all mine to spent away. With no worries saddled on my back. Just a troubled heart and mind to take care of. Heh.


p/s Tell me what do you think of this. And i might post some more, heh.

_________________________________________

₁khilaf - salah (kerana kecurian, kurang pengalaman dll.),keliru, silap

₂watas - batas, perenggan, sempadan

₃ ujana - saujana (yojana); jarak (ukuran) jauh, jauh

₄ makhfi - rahsia

₅ natijah - keputusan (dari sesuatu), kesudahan, kesimpulan, akibat

Today marks...

It's been 2 years since Tok passed away.


Moga rohnya telah di tempatkan bersama orang-orang yang beriman.


Al-Fatihah.

Dark, gloomy...

If you call me today
I'll say that I'm fine
But I bet you can tell by the tone of my voice
It's just a lie
You knew what you had
You still walked away leaving me in this mess
My love for you is deep and meaningless

-Deep & Meaningless, Rooster

It's a downpour out there. Since last night. So it's a dark, gloomy, wet Sunday. Maybe this could vid could cheer you up? (moi included, heh).

Ini mengadu...

Awak. Saya. Merajuk. Kecik Hati. Kecewa. Sedih. Airmata. Nangis.

This morning...

I fell asleep while thinking of waking up.


Working 11-12 hours a day for 3 days in a row is already taking a toll on me.


Heh.

Case of the Ex - first cut is the deepest...

How do you picked out those ugly memories and stashed them away; never to be reminded again...

Maybe writing them down help? (it might not be running order);


Ugly Memory #1

When i was left out (on-purpose) from the his convocation day. I really wanted to be there for him on his special day. But a few days before his convocation day, he "disappeared". Was unable to contact him on his mobile. And he "resurfaced" only when a few good days had passed since the day. Didn't give any reasons for his "disappearance". But he did told me he went out with some girls and even met his ex-gf.


Ugly Memory #2

We had our first big fight only after 2 months of being together. Couldn't remember the cause of our misunderstanding. But he nearly cancelled our first trip away together (the trip still went ahead, but he claimed later that he went anyway out of pity for me).


Ugly Memory #3

Refer to #2. Apparently, that big fight had change his feelings towards me (he claimed such). He confessed that he did not love me anymore. This really hurt me (you could hear my heart breaking, heh)


Ugly Memory #4

Everything was good when he went to China to visit him family(at least i thought it was). We remain in contact for a few days through phone calls and emails. But a few weeks later, his handphone seems to be off. Thought it's the bad coverage or faulty lines. Manage to contact him after a few days of trying. Claimed he still in China. But smart me (heh!), i could tell that the ringing tone sure sounded different (you know when you make calls overseas, the ringing tone seems a bit longer than usual?). And his ringing tone sure sounded 'Msia'. Keep questioning him if he's already back in KL. But he kept denying it. Called him again the next day (am i beginning to sound like a stalker already?) and still the similar ringing tone. Confronted him again about this and he confessed he was back in KL for a few days already. His reason being; he just didn't feel like talking to me (?!!)

Ugly Memory #5

He pulled this stunt again when he went back to his kampung. He remains contactable for a few days. Then he "disappeared". I went bonkers; getting worried of his being. Even thought of going up to KL to search for him family (sisters) to ask about him. But he "resurfaced" later; giving reasons as 'he went to camp in the forest.' (rolled eyes). He later confessed that he had used another number while he was there. So he remain un-contactable only from me.

Ugly Memory #6

Finally; he had committed a BIG, BIG mistake while he was there. And he claimed that "things just happened". I have never ever got over it even though i appeared calm and forgiving when he confessed to me (not that he asked for forgiveness when he confessed to me anyway).


Can't deny there were good times too. But it's these bad memories that i'm having trouble forgetting it. It's been a year now. And i'm still brokenhearted.

Why you may ask i'm still with him throughout all these when the tell-tales signs were out there for me to see. Well, i do have my reasons and i believed i could make this relationship worked.

But finally after 3 years, i saw the 'light' (heh). I gave up trying and fighting. I let him go.

I'm not writing this to potray him as the baddie. Neither am i seeking for sympathy. But i just feel the need to get this out. I survived all those hurt,lies and betrayal. But i came out badly damaged. And i had never really recovered.

I believe here that time is the best healer. It's only a year and the wound is still raw. Maybe..maybe i will get over him. Or never..

2006; A Clean Slate

Before and after 2006, was spent;

31st Dec 2005:

1 Spent 2 hours in the office; clearing my emails and in-trays. My workstation is a disaster after i went away for nearly 2 weeks on medical leave (tonsil op)! Files were piled on my tables, the in-trays were full to the brim, christmas and new year presents were all over my desktop.

2 Rushing to the immigration checkpoint to beat the crowd. But fortunately, there's none. Smooth one. Reached JB within an hour.

1st Jan 2006:

3 Watching the countdown to 12 midnight and 'Batman Begins' on tv throughout the wee hours of 1st Jan, 2006.

4 Having roti canai at a 24-hours mamak stall at 3am.

5 Sleeping the morning off.

6 Leaving for homeground in mid-afternoon. Again; smooth traffic,no crowd.

7 Buying for myself a new gadget.

Had no list of resolutions this year. But there are a few amendments i need to do; to make things look and feel better. Just keeping them as a checklist in my mind for this new year. It's not about new year and having resolutions at every start of the new year, but isn't feel much better when you come clean at the start of a year? Starting on a clean, new slate? It certainly feels good, for me at least.

How was your New Year?

p/s Was back at work after 2 long weeks of medical leave. And strangely, it feels good, heh.